silent treatment

I’ll say it for the record. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PATH. This is quite true but no more true than saying , “everyone will have to take a piss.” (Just keeping it real) “Taking a piss” does not however equate to “pissing on someone.”  Which is to say that even though we each have our own path, none of our paths have to be violent, lacking compassion or insensitive to someone else’s .  The presence of the individual path is basic an undifferentiated in the sense that we each have one. It is not however a license to ignore this necessary fact:  When we hold anyone in our presence we have just crossed paths with someone who, like us, has become a very necessary and immutable component of the path we are on. We are both critical to the journey.

A reader of mine sent this question to me last night. I thought I’d share with you with an expanded answer…

Question:
“I’m reading “Ghandi’s Way to God” and Gandhi says truth is the source of character...and that silence is a part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth? Proneness to exaggerate, suppress or modify truth is a natural weakness of man and silence is necessary to surmount it. Can't silence in relationships sometimes reveal the truth? “
Response:
In relationship, mutual respect is key, and individualism is not the impetus. Agreement is fundamental. “How can two walk together except they are agreed,” is the question offered in the ancient Hebrew tradition.  Even in music there are rests – pauses and moments of silence - to give space to breathe, listen and support. In music though, there is agreement on the silence. Where would the music be if one designated to offer voice chose to be or remain silent? Vice-versa, in the moment when one was designated to be silent and yet he or she chose to impose voice against the natural flow, where would be the order in that?

“Speak only if it improves the silence.” Mohandas Gandhi

Those who are leaders are keen to the value of silence as a tool to build character rather than a weapon to amass dominance and unnatural submission. There is great use of silence in relationship, to be sure, but  making good use of silence is not the same as what is known as, “the silent treatment,” which is  a hostile and violent act on any relationship. We use the silent treatment when we feel a loss of power or a perceived threat.  Silence can give light in relationship when the silence is not exaggerated. Conversely silence is useful when confusion is present and the opinions of the relating persons become exaggerated.  Silence is a way of hearing the music in our partner – the music.

You asked also, “Can a hiatus be just as truth revealing?

It’s perfectly alright to take “time off.” This is the purpose of a hiatus or sabbatical. They are temporary by design; they are not designed to be permanent or destructive. They are designed to be cathartic and restorative. The return is inherent and if it's healthy it should be communicated as such. We have examples of this with many or our service professionals - votaries, professors, doctors, judges, ministers, etc. It would be unkind and counter intuitive to just leave without notice or plan. The same is true in relationship. To just up and leave without notice is rude. To leave without mindfulness as to the effect of one’s presence is also rude and lacking compassion. Let’s be clear; a leave of absence is not the same as being AWOL.

This hiatus can be truth revealing. Is this the purpose though or are we just taking leave to get away from what is uncomfortable or inconvenient. The revelation if truth is present and available to those who are open to "see". It could quite easily elude any of us abusing silence or mistaking silence for a silent treatment. Silence is not the absence of communication; it is better seen as the absence of interruption to the natural flow and way of being. We choose silence as a preventive measure and as an answer to noise – cacophony, confusion, and catastrophe.

Do we take a sabbatical from our profession to get away from who we are or to become better at being who we are? Should we take hiatus from relationship as a ruse to abandonment? So how do we know when it’s time to step away or abandon a relationship? When is love not enough? When is it clear that there is no possible shred of hope to procure better ways of relating and being with partners, friends and lovers?

We have not stepped away from any relationship as long as we hold thoughts of our relating partners. If we have chosen to walk away, we have chosen to attempt an adjustment on how we actualize or bring body to that relationship. One needs to rethink this. We need to rethink this.  You’re partner is not your enemy and if this thought becomes all too pervasive, it may just be time for hiatus. Whenever we can be convinced that anyone is our enemy, (if we believe this) we will treat them like an enemy and confirm for ourselves that we are threatened and that we must take action against them. Often time the result is abandonment. This need not be.

Your capacity to Love is limitless, and if or when you are challenged to not believe this, Love Anyway.
Marquis

(Stay tuned and keep your eyes open for my book on Love & Relationships)