Girl, if I could, I would just...
I love conversation --- impassioned by conversation to say the least. I like to see the mind at work and conversation, for me, is an invitation into someone’s soul. And for those of us who are not so intuitive, it is perhaps the most viable way to develop an interpersonal relationship.
Often in doing consultations, I may have a potential client ask me, “What will I get from talking with you?” My standard response is, “I will take your conversation and give it back to you.” We could often answer our own questions if we would just dare listen to our conversation and courageously examine the subtle nuance of it.
Because of our most recent dialogues, I am experiencing my conversation(s) come back to me. I am remembering myself. My reflections emerge with a realization of how my activism is not as silent as I imagined. I am an activist but not only that; I’m a poet, a musician, a writer, a friend, a lover, teacher, a father, a husband, among so many other things. I am not just one of these things and none of these roles are always relevant. (I should repeat that.) I do love beauty and sometimes consider myself to be a “beauty” activist. I am not trying to be a martyr. I have no interest in that. I don’t want to kill relationships because of my love for beauty or my willingness to demonstrate appreciation for it. To be clear, I find no beauty in disrespect. Neither do I find beauty in the need or desire to dominate someone or require them to accept me or my ways. I genuinely desire friendship and relationship.
Our society is changing. Concomitant to this is also the rhythm of changing relationships. Contrary to what romance tells us, there has never existed a perfect relationship. We have been learning how to relate since we have awakened to the consciousness of our humanity. None of us really know what the ideal relationship looks like. There is no pattern or cookie cutter image we can translate into the perfect statement. How do we actually manage this? The lines are getting blurred and defining appropriateness is more and more nuanced. For instance:
Who determines if we greet with a handshake, hug, or kiss? Is it the man or the woman?
If it’s a hug, is it a shoulder hug, a two-handed shoulder hug, a handshake- shoulder bump- slap the back hug, a slight body hug with the obligatory pat(s) on the back, or is it a full-on -body hug?
If it’s a kiss, is it on the cheek, on the head, on the lips, or on the neck? Who makes the choice to initiate this? How do we figure this out?
If I’m kissed on the lips by a woman who initiates it, am I to assume she wants me? When do I self investigate? Do I question my own perceptions, presuppositions, preconceived notions, motives, inhibitions or lack of them? Vice-versa, if it’s the man initiating, how do we figure this out?
Is there any innocence?
Why do people tell me I have a beautiful wife? Did I have anything to do with it? Are they telling me I’m lucky? I’m smart? Shouldn’t they tell her? Can a man feel comfortable saying it? If the woman’s a lesbian, is she allowed?
What to do?
I have a couple of people in my life who feel they can adjust certain wardrobe malfunctions I may exhibit---a dangling string either on my cap or shirt, a piece of lint on my eye, etc. I don’t like it; I think it makes me feel like a child. They mean well but my ego gets in the way. Recently I went into a restaurant. The owner is a lady who I find quite attractive. She has the most gorgeous eyes and hair. After I was seated, she came over and began dialogue. In the midst of the conversation, she reached for my face. I slightly pulled back thinking I had a wardrobe quagmire. I was so wrong. She said, “Would it be okay if I touched your face? I think you have beautiful skin.” I was like “SURE!” It was nice and I was glad I was wrong. Was it inappropriate? I don’t know. I was appreciative to be, at least at this moment, admired. Maybe I felt it was okay because the lady/owner is a lesbian. I knew she didn’t want me. Is that it? When I think someone doesn’t want ME, I assess it as okay to be touched. But what if I think they want me and they don’t? What if I hadn’t known the lady/owner was a lesbian and just mis/took her admiration as an advance?
Every now and again I’ll have a small child come up to me and say, “You got a tooth sticking up.” I’m thinking in my head, “as if I didn’t know! I’ve known for years and longer than you’ve been alive.” Depending on how it rubs me, I might end that exclamation with a resounding, “BOY!!!!!!” Again… that’s all in my head. I will usually just smile for the record and quietly say, “I know.” I try to take into account the child’s age. He or she is usually no older than 6 and perhaps no younger than 2. They are children and they say the darndest things. It usually can’t be helped so I do my best to just let it go.
Adults on the other hand--- we should know better. I think the expectation is that we speak with much more sobriety and/or respect. I don’t know if I know what that really means but I often hear more insults than compliments. “Look at you. You’ve gained weight haven’t you?” “Where did all that gray come from? Boy you’re getting old.” “I don’t like your hair like that.”
Maybe we don’t know how to receive a compliment. I’ve told a woman before, “I like your nose.” She retorts, “This nose? I hate it.” I might say, “Hey gorgeous.” The response might be, “no way… not today I’m not.” We are very good at insulting each other and ourselves. I think it’s how we showcase humility. But in the spirit of the “outstanding” tooth, I do my best to direct someone’s attention toward those things I find beautiful. The attempt is to do this without discrimination. I usually have success with this but there are times when my attempts at complimenting beauty become viewed as something wholly other--- or what some may just call “unholy.” :(
I like compliments, especially if they are true. When it's a good day and someone's feeling generous, I might hear, “Boy, you got some nice legs.” Admittedly, that’s much more appealing to me than the tooth thing. I’ve never been insulted by someone admiring my legs. It’s quite euphoric. I have a runner’s legs, or so I’ve been told. I’m really not a runner but I’ll take the compliment. I’ve never been an athlete, and I’ve never been the poster boy for fitness, so for me to having something good looking on my body is like a miracle and to have someone notice is like double play. I’ll take the good with the bad. Not much choice in that anyway.
The world I live in perhaps isn’t so simple. We have rules around practically everything. A single man can compliment a single woman (giving referent deference toward same gendered affections). A married woman can compliment a married woman – vice-versa for the men. Things get a little tricky when a single person speaks to someone who is “spoken for.” It’s a magician’s feat to pull off and get it right. But by all means, people who are spoken for should never be too generous with someone who has been spoken for. ..Enough said (shhhh)---but for real!!!!!!
I’ve been adventurous enough to try it though. I’ve tried to speak of beauty, speak on beauty, speak to beauty when it is politically incorrect and unbeknownst to me, relational suicide. I’ve gotta get this right. I have to do better. Can we be a society that sees acknowledgments of beauty and charm as something other than a necessary grievance.
That’s a beautiful dress and you look good in it. Wow! What wonderful hair. You got some nice legs; you should show them. Did you see those pecks? Tall, dark, and Handsome. I simply love looking at you. Thanks for being. Thanks for being beautiful. You have the most gorgeous eyes. Succulent lips. That famous rude whistle. I love a man in uniform.
Haven’t we had secret conversations either with friends or within ourselves where we say these things and more than this wish someone would just say them to us? The world has practiced being cruel too long. Can we not find a way to be comfortable with beautiful sentiments? It’s not all sexual even if the hearer hears it as such, but what if it is sexual? Sex is not a sin, neither is it a dirty word.
Relationships are tricky and when it becomes more important to get from the relationship more than we give to it, the relationship is approaching sickness and could easily die. I do not want this to be the case with any of us. There are times when I find myself wondering if I am outliving my usefulness. This is not my desire and when this happens, I look into myself to see what I might have to offer. I desire to create a useful presence for you and those who have been affected by my way of being. We can learn to love---really love and this can only happen if we choose not to fear… ANYTHING.
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