Love or Money?

Question:

Not sure how to word this but I will attempt to. Money over love or love over money? A man's desire for love is powerful & so his his desire to be a provider so what happen when a man chooses a woman who has money over one he has this deep love for? The desire for love is great so will he have to eventually heed to the call of love??

Love or money??

Dear Love or Money,

Anyone embarking upon a relationship because of the desire for love is living from a posture of insufficiency. The question also begs consideration of the woman who reaches for a man who can provide economic security rather than one with whom she finds "love". Either way insufficiency seems to be what drives the individual's desire for relationship.

The desire of a man to provide is somewhat of a socia/cultural* stereotype. The man who is compelled to live with this value system may feel the pressure to believe himself inadequate and undeserving of his preferred love interest if he cannot meet social standards of worth. When this happens, the relationship will be overshadowed by shame. He will find ways to recover a sense of dignity. He will not find it as long as he lives believing in his insufficiency. Shame leads to dishonesty and dishonesty leads to the cover-up. It is very difficult to build a healthy relationship under these circumstances. Disappointment will be unavoidable.

We all choose according to our value system. We cannot avoid this. If we live believing in insufficiency, we will live with an inclination toward possessiveness couched in the mask of security. We will value security over the threat of loss. Mind you, the threat of loss is not proof of loss. All that is necessary however is the belief in loss to increase and solidify the value for security. Money will be more valuable than Love when Money is believed to provide more security than Love. If this is the case whether revealed in the man or the woman, Security will win. All you can do is observe this truth and observe the truth a person shows you.

"When a person shows you their true colors, believe them the first time." ~Maya Angelou

Deep love has no value except to the person with the deep love. Sometimes deep love has more value than deep pockets, vice-versa. Love demonstrates its greatest value when it evidences the need for nothing. In this it is free to give everything without losing anything.

We all will heed the call to Love. It is our true nature. There is only one true security --- Love. It has been said, "perfect Love casts out all fear." If this is true, then where love perfects itself, there is no fear. If there is no fear, there is no need for security. Security eludes the need for conversation because it is not a plausible conception.

When the Lover lost in his/her desire for love realizes this, there will not be a question of Love over Money or Money over Love. There will only be the question of...

"How can I use my life to Amplify the Volume of Love in all moments?"

Marquis

*"socio/cultural was Borrowed from Kevin A Johnson (Facebook Friend)

Still Questioning Love... On Faithfulness

I’m still heavily invested in writing. I’m excited about offering these innovative perspectives on love and relationship. As you wait for the book to be completed, I am extremely grateful for your choice to read me through this medium. Please keep the questions coming and thanks for all your support. The following is an excerpt from my current work in progress.

After publishing my recent article, Flirting or Not…. Can We Talk, I entertained several questions asking for a more in depth discovery into relationship. It’s difficult to discuss flirting without fidelity coming into radiating focus. Many of us are sorely afraid to open this door for fear that it will lead to a matrix of infidelity --- one from which we cannot return. Set your heart at ease, your current love interest is not likely to be your last and you can be thankful for this. That thing you felt when you fell in love? You had nothing to do with it and there is no sense in trying to fool yourself into believing you did. It happened and if you could stop, it is likely you would. Love cannot be controlled. It has a mind of its own and thankfully so---Love knows much better than any of us what is best for all of us.

Being that many of us in the western world have taken our cue for moral and behavior from some concept of religion, it would be a welcomed event to see our leading religious voices explore this topic with respect and deference. This may be difficult though because many of us who lead the way (religiously speaking) are oblivious to our own presuppositions and prejudices on issues of sexuality and any of its corollaries. Immorality is one such corollary flowing from the lack of depth in this conversation. Religion often blames science and entertainment for this alleged deviance but this is a misguided projection. I have been a religious voice and I work feverishly to speak more relevantly to society and to the intricately subtle concerns that affect us daily.

Sex isn't a dirty word, but because it's so misunderstood we often replicate misguided attempts at chastity and morality. Sex is powerful especially when it's done right or righteously. By righteous, I don't mean anything conventional. I'm Marquis and chancing convention is not easy for me. Sexuality is a necessary fuel in building thriving and vital relationships. But to be sexual is not necessarily a matter of copulating; it is a matter of intimating. (flirting)

One of my first messages as a burgeoning “religious” voice was a sermon I titled, “The Comic Strip Character.” Over 20 years ago I preached this. What was true then is astoundingly true now. My lead character was Dennis the Menace. I discovered as a young adult that I had been reading about Dennis’s life from my childhood. It “finally” struck me that while I had grown both physically and emotionally, Dennis had not. He was s till a little boy. Now, over 20 years later, Dennis is still the same age exhibiting the same childish machinations. Life is not a comic strip, things do change and so do we. Regardless of the illusion of Sunday comedy, everything about us is different – especially the way evolution asks us to be in relationship.

We like things quick and simple. Quick seems better because it alleviates the pain associated with waiting – we’re just impatient most of the time. Simple is desired because we think it takes less mental work. This just translates into us not really wanting to think. We like being spoon or bottle fed and that’s okay if remaining and infant or toddler is the unspoken ambition. What most of us call simple, is usually an exercise in vagueness and ambiguity. Simplicity is found in presence of detail. We simplify by breaking things down. We like to group, collude, and fuse together conversations of Love, Relationship, Sexuality, and even belief. While these subjects are connected they are not interchangeable. This is very important.

Couched in our language, we can see that Love functions in at least three distinct ways. Love finds its way to us through the function of what I will call the Love Triad – Phileo, Agape, and Eros. We see these loves operating in all of our relationships. The mistake we make is in thinking that we actually should love some people differently than others. The surface understanding says Phileo is brotherly love – the love of friends or friendship. Agape is unconditional love or benevolent love – we should love even those who don’t deserve it. Eros is erotic or romantic love – we can only have this love for someone special. Every now and again we feel romance for more than one but that is entirely inappropriate. Only one person can have your share of romance. These connotations are all grossly misrepresented and oversimplified. In truth, these loves should work interactively in ALL relationships.

The notion of "being in love", ambiguously identified as ‘eros’is in and of itself a very selfish operation. Usually we fall in love with someone we call “lover.” The term has expanded over the years but it essentially suggests that we are in love with someone who loves us rather than someone we love. It is true that your lover may see you as you see him or her, but at this point, the relationship is being defined by what is received rather than what is given. Being in love is not to be confused with Love or loving. Being in love is the tendency of an individual to be intoxicatingly consumed with the euphoric feeling he or she gets when having the experience of someone else. It totally concerns itself with attempting to require the object of affection to guarantee himself, herself, or themselves for the sake of that individual's personal satisfaction.

Love is like water; it seeks its own level. There are times we attempt to control this love triad. We have attempted the same with water --- our irrigation systems or our dams. These are our creations to make water obey our will. We buy into the illusion that we can also dam up love, but that’s a damn lie. For some reason we think we can stop its flow and we can for a while but only for a while. Eventually love like water will have to flow through or some major dam/age will occur. Sometimes our families are relational dams or it could be our friendships, our ideas, our beliefs, our past success and even our marriages. In other words, the way we have relationships is our way of trying to control love but do we really need to do this? Can we learn a better way?

Still... Working You Out

L2L,
Marquis

Flirting or Not... Can We Talk?

Girl, if I could, I would just...

I love conversation --- impassioned by conversation to say the least. I like to see the mind at work and conversation, for me, is an invitation into someone’s soul. And for those of us who are not so intuitive, it is perhaps the most viable way to develop an interpersonal relationship.

Often in doing consultations, I may have a potential client ask me, “What will I get from talking with you?” My standard response is, “I will take your conversation and give it back to you.” We could often answer our own questions if we would just dare listen to our conversation and courageously examine the subtle nuance of it.

Because of our most recent dialogues, I am experiencing my conversation(s) come back to me. I am remembering myself. My reflections emerge with a realization of how my activism is not as silent as I imagined. I am an activist but not only that; I’m a poet, a musician, a writer, a friend, a lover, teacher, a father, a husband, among so many other things. I am not just one of these things and none of these roles are always relevant. (I should repeat that.) I do love beauty and sometimes consider myself to be a “beauty” activist. I am not trying to be a martyr. I have no interest in that. I don’t want to kill relationships because of my love for beauty or my willingness to demonstrate appreciation for it. To be clear, I find no beauty in disrespect. Neither do I find beauty in the need or desire to dominate someone or require them to accept me or my ways. I genuinely desire friendship and relationship.

Our society is changing. Concomitant to this is also the rhythm of changing relationships. Contrary to what romance tells us, there has never existed a perfect relationship. We have been learning how to relate since we have awakened to the consciousness of our humanity. None of us really know what the ideal relationship looks like. There is no pattern or cookie cutter image we can translate into the perfect statement. How do we actually manage this? The lines are getting blurred and defining appropriateness is more and more nuanced. For instance:

Who determines if we greet with a handshake, hug, or kiss? Is it the man or the woman?
If it’s a hug, is it a shoulder hug, a two-handed shoulder hug, a handshake- shoulder bump- slap the back hug, a slight body hug with the obligatory pat(s) on the back, or is it a full-on -body hug?
If it’s a kiss, is it on the cheek, on the head, on the lips, or on the neck? Who makes the choice to initiate this? How do we figure this out?

If I’m kissed on the lips by a woman who initiates it, am I to assume she wants me? When do I self investigate? Do I question my own perceptions, presuppositions, preconceived notions, motives, inhibitions or lack of them? Vice-versa, if it’s the man initiating, how do we figure this out?

Is there any innocence?

Why do people tell me I have a beautiful wife? Did I have anything to do with it? Are they telling me I’m lucky? I’m smart? Shouldn’t they tell her? Can a man feel comfortable saying it? If the woman’s a lesbian, is she allowed?

What to do?

I have a couple of people in my life who feel they can adjust certain wardrobe malfunctions I may exhibit---a dangling string either on my cap or shirt, a piece of lint on my eye, etc. I don’t like it; I think it makes me feel like a child. They mean well but my ego gets in the way. Recently I went into a restaurant. The owner is a lady who I find quite attractive. She has the most gorgeous eyes and hair. After I was seated, she came over and began dialogue. In the midst of the conversation, she reached for my face. I slightly pulled back thinking I had a wardrobe quagmire. I was so wrong. She said, “Would it be okay if I touched your face? I think you have beautiful skin.” I was like “SURE!” It was nice and I was glad I was wrong. Was it inappropriate? I don’t know. I was appreciative to be, at least at this moment, admired. Maybe I felt it was okay because the lady/owner is a lesbian. I knew she didn’t want me. Is that it? When I think someone doesn’t want ME, I assess it as okay to be touched. But what if I think they want me and they don’t? What if I hadn’t known the lady/owner was a lesbian and just mis/took her admiration as an advance?

Every now and again I’ll have a small child come up to me and say, “You got a tooth sticking up.” I’m thinking in my head, “as if I didn’t know! I’ve known for years and longer than you’ve been alive.” Depending on how it rubs me, I might end that exclamation with a resounding, “BOY!!!!!!” Again… that’s all in my head. I will usually just smile for the record and quietly say, “I know.” I try to take into account the child’s age. He or she is usually no older than 6 and perhaps no younger than 2. They are children and they say the darndest things. It usually can’t be helped so I do my best to just let it go.
Adults on the other hand--- we should know better. I think the expectation is that we speak with much more sobriety and/or respect. I don’t know if I know what that really means but I often hear more insults than compliments. “Look at you. You’ve gained weight haven’t you?” “Where did all that gray come from? Boy you’re getting old.” “I don’t like your hair like that.”

Maybe we don’t know how to receive a compliment. I’ve told a woman before, “I like your nose.” She retorts, “This nose? I hate it.” I might say, “Hey gorgeous.” The response might be, “no way… not today I’m not.” We are very good at insulting each other and ourselves. I think it’s how we showcase humility. But in the spirit of the “outstanding” tooth, I do my best to direct someone’s attention toward those things I find beautiful. The attempt is to do this without discrimination. I usually have success with this but there are times when my attempts at complimenting beauty become viewed as something wholly other--- or what some may just call “unholy.” :(

I like compliments, especially if they are true. When it's a good day and someone's feeling generous, I might hear, “Boy, you got some nice legs.” Admittedly, that’s much more appealing to me than the tooth thing. I’ve never been insulted by someone admiring my legs. It’s quite euphoric. I have a runner’s legs, or so I’ve been told. I’m really not a runner but I’ll take the compliment. I’ve never been an athlete, and I’ve never been the poster boy for fitness, so for me to having something good looking on my body is like a miracle and to have someone notice is like double play. I’ll take the good with the bad. Not much choice in that anyway.

The world I live in perhaps isn’t so simple. We have rules around practically everything. A single man can compliment a single woman (giving referent deference toward same gendered affections). A married woman can compliment a married woman – vice-versa for the men. Things get a little tricky when a single person speaks to someone who is “spoken for.” It’s a magician’s feat to pull off and get it right. But by all means, people who are spoken for should never be too generous with someone who has been spoken for. ..Enough said (shhhh)---but for real!!!!!!

I’ve been adventurous enough to try it though. I’ve tried to speak of beauty, speak on beauty, speak to beauty when it is politically incorrect and unbeknownst to me, relational suicide. I’ve gotta get this right. I have to do better. Can we be a society that sees acknowledgments of beauty and charm as something other than a necessary grievance.

That’s a beautiful dress and you look good in it. Wow! What wonderful hair. You got some nice legs; you should show them. Did you see those pecks? Tall, dark, and Handsome. I simply love looking at you. Thanks for being. Thanks for being beautiful. You have the most gorgeous eyes. Succulent lips. That famous rude whistle. I love a man in uniform.

Haven’t we had secret conversations either with friends or within ourselves where we say these things and more than this wish someone would just say them to us? The world has practiced being cruel too long. Can we not find a way to be comfortable with beautiful sentiments? It’s not all sexual even if the hearer hears it as such, but what if it is sexual? Sex is not a sin, neither is it a dirty word.

Relationships are tricky and when it becomes more important to get from the relationship more than we give to it, the relationship is approaching sickness and could easily die. I do not want this to be the case with any of us. There are times when I find myself wondering if I am outliving my usefulness. This is not my desire and when this happens, I look into myself to see what I might have to offer. I desire to create a useful presence for you and those who have been affected by my way of being. We can learn to love---really love and this can only happen if we choose not to fear… ANYTHING.

Tell Me Have You Seen Her

We can get this right. We can live in a world we love to wake up to and that reassures us of our peace as we slumber. We have been told of a Presence, a Being that neither sleeps nor slumbers. The general practice is to call him God but it may be more palatable if we could see this Presence as Love. Could we imagine a world in which none of us finds a legitimate reason to excuse Love from our choosing? The hope for peace is meaningless unless we will concede to Love’s inclination. It is the inclination that never sleeps nor slumbers. She, Love, is always present to gift herself to any moment when there are people just like you willing to recognize her gift.

Could we change the way we see it --- the way we see everything? Could we revisit our beginning and attempt a refresh, a rebirth? Can we just be born again? Have you ever wondered why the sacred story used a virgin to introduce the divine? Turn your neck just a little to the left. Lean back ever so slightly. Now tilt your head to the right. This picture is just over your shoulder. It’s been there all along and we’re finally opening out eyes.

Each of us has this common experience in our introduction to humanity. I don’t know where science will lead us or when we might have a plausible way of changing our narrative. As it stands, this phenomenon is inescapable and perhaps underappreciated and malnourished. It is perhaps the most sacred trust offered to any one person --- the first voice, the first touch, the first relationship, the first life exchange with the capacity to build a context of consciousness. It is our first human opportunity to find our way to autonomy and to enter a world where we can discover our own beauty and actualize our forgotten divinity. Beautiful is insufficient to capture the appearance. Enduring does not speak efficiently to the staying power. We cannot revoke this privilege. It is sustained by the power of the Universe. The power of such a life is immutable yet we have built a living narrative on a theme attempting to infer undeniable weakness. She is not the weaker vessel. She is not in constant need of a protector. She is not as fragile as our flirt with romance relentlessly fabricates. She is Sophia, Sacred Feminine, Nefertiti, Goddess, Diana, Theresa, Mary, Mother, Sister, and Daughter. She is the flower and crown of humanity.

She is Woman...

Questioning Love

Recently, one of my readers wrote to me. This is what she said.

“You make love seem like the most powerful force in the universe. If it is, why are we so prone to getting it wrong or running away from it and not to it as often as we breathe?”

I’m grateful she asked and would encourage you as well to write to me and ask or speak what is on your mind. I’ve learned many people have similar questions and concerns but are often afraid to give voice to them. It is my desire to comfort you and to offer you ways to see life that aid in your ability to see much more of yourself. You are loves desire and you are worthy of love. Of this I am sure.

My response to her is as follows:
I’ve been married to the same woman for over20 years and I have been in several relationships throughout my life. This by no means makes me a relationship expert any more than eating for a lifetime makes me a chef. Have I been successful at marriage? I, along with many onlookers seem to think so. What means more to me, though, is that I’ve been successful at relationships and I have many of them. To be clear, my use of the word “relationship” is not meant on any level to be synonymous with “sexual” relationship. A sexual relationship is a type of relationship but it is not the most important type. It is vital that I make this distinction so that you can take my writing in the spirit it is intended.

Relationships are not successful because they last; they are successful because they mature, grow, expand, extend and reproduce. They become remarkable as they make room for more relating without prejudice or possessiveness. The 20 year mark may seem impressive but that is merely a distraction. What’s really impressive is that it didn’t take 20 years for either of us to see the value in a moment which was worthy of a lifetime. And if I look at the 20 years alone, I just might miss the power of each new relationship. Each successful relationship starts at the first encounter, the meet. The moment we see beauty in someone is the moment we decide to make space and permit him or her to alter our existence.

Some marriages didn’t last 20 years. They either ended in death or divorce. Sometimes they are the same. Some marriages are still in their youth and are finding their way. Hopefully I can help you with this next statement. Your marriage is never as important as your relationship. Marriage is a step we introduce into relationship in an attempt to guarantee or require someone to remain with us. To remain is a matter of Love and never law. Valuing law over love is a death sentence. Knowing this will help you succeed. And if divorce is necessary to help you see the beauty of relating then see it as a gift and let Love take you higher and escape the clutches of death.

I believe love is the most powerful force in the universe. Love is always present as is truth and like truth we don't always see it. In these moments, when we don't see truth, we see its alternative --- as if there really is such. What we see is an illusion and depending on the degree of that illusion, it mutates into delusion. Either way deception dominates and we are prone to demonstrate or act out in fear. Fear is what happens when we see love as absent or threatened. Truth and Love go hand in hand. They are both present---omnipresent even.

Why are we prone to running away? Fear incites flight. Why are we prone to getting it wrong? Deception and/or illusion nurtures misunderstanding. These go hand in hand as well. Misunderstanding is the prelude to fear and if we misunderstand what is true, we will run away from Love.

Breathing should demonstrate to us that breath is ever present, always around, always here. In all moments we are breathing and in these moments we are living. None of us like to have our breathing obstructed but sometimes it is. Maybe this is due to allergens, colds, flues, or maybe someone is just suffocating you. This is sometimes called asphyxiation meaning the absence of a pulse. We have no sign of life. Wow, imagine that? No love, no life, No truth, no life, No Life, No love. It just goes on and on and on and on...

So why then do we choose to run? We think it's the fastest way to get away from what we think causes our pain not realizing it's always been the illusion that does it. We can't run from truth. Where would we go? A place where truth is not? There is no place where truth is absent, no place where love is absent. If truth or love is unapparent it is just simply unseen. But when we discover truth and uncover love what we come to realize is this:

All we ever learn is that we misunderstood before.

Love will always give us more than we can give to it. Love is larger than any one of us. It is larger than our desires. Love is inexhaustible and unrepentant in its willingness to extend continuously. Yet when we want more from love than we are willing to give to it, love seems to retreat into scarcity. Love does not really hide from us but this illusion of scarcity and loss is cast when we find ourselves believing we “need” more love. Love does not offer itself in diminished capacity; it is intent upon giving fully withholding nothing. This is a difficult cycle to overcome when we think having more love is the same as seeing more love.
Love by design hides from the blind, but it’s easier to see it when you choose to be it.

It’s reflexive. Love is. It has an involuntary response directly resulting from a sponsoring action. Respond simply means to answer. Love listens and observes with careful attention so as to extend to the object of affection exactly what is necessary to sponsor an elevated sense of consciousness. Love is also reflective. It will mirror truthfully at the angle of incidence. Another way of saying this, “whatever measure you meet, the same measure will be measured back to you.” (a passage taken from a ancient text) Remember, love’s intention is liberation through truthful and authentic relations. Love will mirror to us in a way we demonstrate it. If we find ourselves restricting love’s flow then we imagine and believe that love is limiting. Love will in turn respond with a reflection necessitating an event asking you to choose whether this is really your preference.

When we find ourselves open to a limitless expression of love, Love responds to us with a reflection of streaming possibilities. Love will blossom, expand, and extend herself in unimaginable ways exceeding anything we could ask or think. This is really the love we seek but are often afraid to quest.

There are so many variations and styles of people in the world and when love demonstrates her limitlessness, it does it through the myriad of people possibilities. Each person represents a different love possibility but not only that, each person provides a unique and distinct way for us to see ourselves in brand new dimensions. Seeking or questing for new ways to see and experience life, necessitates the entrance of new people possibility. These are conquests --- our ever expanding opportunities to pursue love through the unfolding potential of our humanity. This is dynamically beautiful, non-repetitive ecstasy in revolution.

Working You Out,
Marquis

PS. I am writing much more on these subjects in an expanded form in my upcoming book. I hope you stay tuned and engaged in this conversation.

Losing My Skill for Fear

Hey In There,

You’ve practiced being afraid for so long, you’ve become good at it. So good that it’s easy. So easy, that you don’t even know you’re doing it and the only evidence you have for your fear is that you don’t know if you’re right or wrong. You’re afraid of being alone and afraid of finding the right person. You’re afraid of changing and afraid if you do something different, you will have abandoned something meaningful. You’re afraid lying and also afraid of being so honest that you’ll believe what you‘ve rejected for so long --- the obvious. You’re afraid of loving completely and totally unsure if your love is sufficient. You’re afraid of being wrong and you’re afraid if you’re right you’ll lose everything you value. You’re afraid of questioning God and afraid to admit your ignorance. You’re afraid of living effortlessly and afraid of working so hard you’ll miss your life. You’re afraid to admit you don’t have it all and afraid to admit you don’t need it all. You’ve actually believed you can go or be somewhere ---ANYWHERE and find God missing so that just makes you afraid to show up.

The evidence for this is clear whenever you are not present. Fear perhaps is not just simply false evidence appearing real. It is proof you have projected and tried to live somewhere in your future. It doesn’t matter how near or distant that future is. Any attempt to excavate yourself from the present moment is proof that you are good at being afraid. It doesn’t matter that you are planning your future. That’s easily a noble excuse just to be distracted and miss who you are and the beauty of what is being. The most efficient way to plan for the future is in the present moment. So rather than focusing on any other moment, why not just optimize being in this one and the necessary resources will find you in each moment just as they have in this one. Trust it. Trust this and fear not.

Fear is senseless…

If you fear death and your death is imminent, what profit is it for you to fear the inevitable? Would that not just cause you to waste the moments of your viability? Your viability, by the way, is irrefutably immanent. You ARE alive NOW. So could death really be upon you? Really? And if you’re afraid of someone other than yourself dying, it’s because you are afraid of missing what you think you COULD have. You can’t lose a past that’s non-negotiable and changeless. All your memories are secure even if you forget them and any future moment can only live in a fantasy. Pay attention NOW and love living.

What was the last thing you were afraid of that destroyed you?

The answer? NOTHING!

Have you become so good at being afraid that you have failed to see your success in simply remaining… being… lasting… continuing… expanding… evolving?

You could just as easily practice being fearless. You do this by just simply loving. You do this by accepting. You do this by choosing not to argue with truth. The truth is here to serve you---serve us. It’s been said, “You will know the truth and the truth will make you free.” If this is true then embracing any truth is the pathway to freedom. Do you think you could not use your fear to judge the truth? Any attempt to judge the truth is an attempt to evidence or give proof to the lie. There is no lie which has proof to it. There is no truth which has the power to harm you. All truth has the power to free you if you “know” it. And if you know something other than the truth, it’s just simply a lie. Don’t believe it; don’t practice the lie anymore. Lose your skill for fear.

The truth is real.
The lie is false.
What is real exists-
What is false does not exist.
The lie does not exist.
Only Truth

Working You Out,

Marquis