silent treatment

I’ll say it for the record. EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN PATH. This is quite true but no more true than saying , “everyone will have to take a piss.” (Just keeping it real) “Taking a piss” does not however equate to “pissing on someone.”  Which is to say that even though we each have our own path, none of our paths have to be violent, lacking compassion or insensitive to someone else’s .  The presence of the individual path is basic an undifferentiated in the sense that we each have one. It is not however a license to ignore this necessary fact:  When we hold anyone in our presence we have just crossed paths with someone who, like us, has become a very necessary and immutable component of the path we are on. We are both critical to the journey.

A reader of mine sent this question to me last night. I thought I’d share with you with an expanded answer…

Question:
“I’m reading “Ghandi’s Way to God” and Gandhi says truth is the source of character...and that silence is a part of the spiritual discipline of a votary of truth? Proneness to exaggerate, suppress or modify truth is a natural weakness of man and silence is necessary to surmount it. Can't silence in relationships sometimes reveal the truth? “
Response:
In relationship, mutual respect is key, and individualism is not the impetus. Agreement is fundamental. “How can two walk together except they are agreed,” is the question offered in the ancient Hebrew tradition.  Even in music there are rests – pauses and moments of silence - to give space to breathe, listen and support. In music though, there is agreement on the silence. Where would the music be if one designated to offer voice chose to be or remain silent? Vice-versa, in the moment when one was designated to be silent and yet he or she chose to impose voice against the natural flow, where would be the order in that?

“Speak only if it improves the silence.” Mohandas Gandhi

Those who are leaders are keen to the value of silence as a tool to build character rather than a weapon to amass dominance and unnatural submission. There is great use of silence in relationship, to be sure, but  making good use of silence is not the same as what is known as, “the silent treatment,” which is  a hostile and violent act on any relationship. We use the silent treatment when we feel a loss of power or a perceived threat.  Silence can give light in relationship when the silence is not exaggerated. Conversely silence is useful when confusion is present and the opinions of the relating persons become exaggerated.  Silence is a way of hearing the music in our partner – the music.

You asked also, “Can a hiatus be just as truth revealing?

It’s perfectly alright to take “time off.” This is the purpose of a hiatus or sabbatical. They are temporary by design; they are not designed to be permanent or destructive. They are designed to be cathartic and restorative. The return is inherent and if it's healthy it should be communicated as such. We have examples of this with many or our service professionals - votaries, professors, doctors, judges, ministers, etc. It would be unkind and counter intuitive to just leave without notice or plan. The same is true in relationship. To just up and leave without notice is rude. To leave without mindfulness as to the effect of one’s presence is also rude and lacking compassion. Let’s be clear; a leave of absence is not the same as being AWOL.

This hiatus can be truth revealing. Is this the purpose though or are we just taking leave to get away from what is uncomfortable or inconvenient. The revelation if truth is present and available to those who are open to "see". It could quite easily elude any of us abusing silence or mistaking silence for a silent treatment. Silence is not the absence of communication; it is better seen as the absence of interruption to the natural flow and way of being. We choose silence as a preventive measure and as an answer to noise – cacophony, confusion, and catastrophe.

Do we take a sabbatical from our profession to get away from who we are or to become better at being who we are? Should we take hiatus from relationship as a ruse to abandonment? So how do we know when it’s time to step away or abandon a relationship? When is love not enough? When is it clear that there is no possible shred of hope to procure better ways of relating and being with partners, friends and lovers?

We have not stepped away from any relationship as long as we hold thoughts of our relating partners. If we have chosen to walk away, we have chosen to attempt an adjustment on how we actualize or bring body to that relationship. One needs to rethink this. We need to rethink this.  You’re partner is not your enemy and if this thought becomes all too pervasive, it may just be time for hiatus. Whenever we can be convinced that anyone is our enemy, (if we believe this) we will treat them like an enemy and confirm for ourselves that we are threatened and that we must take action against them. Often time the result is abandonment. This need not be.

Your capacity to Love is limitless, and if or when you are challenged to not believe this, Love Anyway.
Marquis

(Stay tuned and keep your eyes open for my book on Love & Relationships)

MOOD Monday

MarQuis &MOOD continue #MOODMadness in March going hardcore jazz at The Afterthough on Monday March 14, 2016.  The Mood Monday starts at 8:30pm. It's been a great month of music. MOODMonday comes just one day after MarQuis opens the Lalah Hathaway concert. On most days, MOOD's brand of jazz is soulful and spirited, sultry and smoldering. Monday they go hardcore featuring and teaming up with the incomparable Eric Ware, one of the finest guitarist this side of the Mason Dixon. Also joining them will be Dave Higginbothom on upright bass, Matt Treadway on jazz guitar, Joel 'Jammin JC' Crutcher on electric Bass and Paul Campbell on drums. This event showcases MOOD Expanded with even more guest appearances by some of the regions finest musicians. Make it a MOODMadness Moment. #feelthemoodment.

MarQuis & MOOD invites you to Valentine's Day at The Afterthought

Feel The Moodment

Beautiful People!!! Feel the Moodment
Lovely People!!! Join the Moodment

It's a special evening of Love, Music, and more with MarQuis & MOOD playing some of your favorite Love songs. Smooth Jazz is the perfect treat for you on Valentine's Day. If you've heard this band, you already know!!! MarQuis plays the most soulfully, exquisite, romantic soprano sax and you'll wanna feel that up close and personal. Come join the Moodment!

Every MOOD performance is a once in a lifetime event. You'll wanna be here for this one. To reserve a table, please call
501-663-1196.

Please feel free to post and share with your friends, along with #FeelTheMoodment

You Touched Me

There are things that go through me 

From way beyond what's not of me 

The tonal influence of symphony

Melodies that move us in harmony

Rhythms and rhymes 

Seasons and times 

Poise and reflection 

Tenuous selection 

The choice to be friends 

To brave the distance

To love with no end  and conquer resistance 

These are things that go through me

Your life from God then to me 

A life exchanged for new me 

And a world that's better because you touched me

You touched me...

You touched me...

You touched me...

A Mood

Standing on a Prayer: A Burden for People of Color

We are still looking for trusted answers and better pathways to vulnerability and empathy. A city collective is praying for answers. Vulnerability and empathy are virtues which are categorized and sometimes caricatured as formulations of “weakness”, a subset of fear. I don’t believe for a minute that empathy or vulnerability is a sign of weakness. On the contrary, these are virtues of the strong and wealthy. However the dominant culture seems to view these as weakness. As such, we tend to realize them almost exclusively as attributes of fear. We can trade on fear. It’s a viable commodity but this need not be.

http://www.thevillagecelebration.com/standing-on-a-prayer-a-burden-for-people-of-color-part-1/

Read Part 2 Here
http://www.thevillagecelebration.com/standing-on-a-prayer-a-burden-for-people-of-color-part-2/

Path To Love

…sometimes we can’t stop betrayal even when we love without condition and sometimes, just sometimes, we’re uninterested in knowing the shame that grips many of our friends. Sometimes their suspicions about us are correct. It’s the secret we have kept to ourselves. It’s the one that says, “I am likely to abandon you, if you disappoint me.”

I have very beautiful experiences living from moment to moment. I say “moment to moment” because I live that way – from moment to moment. I have upheld some moments as more beautiful and some as the most beautiful. I’m grateful for each of them. Maybe I should stay right here – You should know how beautiful life is and how beautiful life can be. You are also very beautiful and the most wonderful thing in your world. You are powerful beyond your imagination and nothing is impossible for you. Can you believe this? Can you now feel that feeling that encourages you to believe the BEST is rightfully yours? Believing these things empowers your person-self to go out and conquer the world and anything standing in your way. Can you see it?

You can conquer anything and anyone that stands in your way! This is your Divine right – the true depiction of your Authentic-Self.

We like statements like these. We like to be reminded of our goodness, our strength, and our power more than we like to know what’s actually true. Some of us believe that because we experience ourselves as wonderful, everyone else should. If they don’t, something has to be wrong with them. When this happens or it’s brought to our attention that we’re are not being seen in the way we see ourselves, terms like “true” and “truth” become relative. When the “truth” seems to threaten what any of us think of as “good for me”, then we’re cleverly directed to believe that there is really no truth unless it’s a personal truth. We hear things like, “my truth ain’t your truth and your truth ain’t my truth.” Those words have preempted the childhood song and melody – “my friends are YOUR friends and Your friends are MY friends. The more we get together…”

Now it’s, “the more we believe our OWN thoughts, the happier we’ll be.”

Happiness, though, is not about believing your own thoughts as much as it involves being honest about them when you’re actually awake enough to really see them. Often our thoughts are spot on and are good for one and for all but what happens when they’re not? Should we keep on believing things because they are ours?
Language is beautiful and seductive, and just because it’s sounds good, doesn’t make it true. And even if it is true, it doesn’t mean you believe it. (It may not sound good to you.) Even if you believe it, it doesn’t mean you know it, and just because it’s known, doesn’t make it understood. And just because it’s understood doesn’t make it practiced. Practicing truth takes more than seeing eyes and listening ears. It takes courage, faith, humility and a genuine choice to Love. And Loving this way takes a sincere and relentless practice of personal honesty. (to be distinguished from “my” personal truth.) Personal honesty asks that I look not only at how I experience myself but how the “myself” experience really affects the world and the people I touch.

I remember listening to a motivational speaker who encouraged her audience to imagine being wealthy and what that would feel like. She gave them a very simple instruction. “If you want to be wealthy you should hang around people who are wealthy and even wealthier than you.” The crowd was feeling this. She went on to tell them that if they were the most successful person in their crowd they should look for a crowd that could pull them up because their current clique would likely pull them away from what they truly wanted. The crowd went up in a roar after hearing this.

Can you imagine the encouragement this audience felt knowing the only thing they had to do to get better was to distance themselves from the people who were beneath them? The seduction of the statement wasn’t that there were people actually beneath them but that they could rise higher than they were. Sounds like good advice though doesn’t it?

Consider this...

What happens when the person that’s wealthier than you follows the same advice and keeps YOU out?

It sounds good but it really doesn’t work for anything but a good fix and unconscious movement toward further discrimination, war and dysfunction – the very things that a life of Love and true awareness are designed to render impotent.

Imagine someone – anyone – telling you that they have conquered everything standing in their way. This person could be your sister, your spouse, your father, your boss, or your best friend. You naturally want to celebrate with them. You go out and have a party and dance the victory dance. Life is beautiful and you rule the world. Later on as you both become high on life and drunk in your victory and the inhibitions become the free flowing celebration of uninhibited, raw naked boasting and you find out that not only have they conquered everything standing in their way they’ve also conquered “everyone” standing in their way -including YOU. You’ve been conquered too! You didn’t know that though, did you? Did you know you were the enemy of their personal truth, their personal path to freedom, their personal success story?

This is what betrayal looks like but betrayal is still an illusion.

I want you happy – for real. Bliss is my earnest desire for your life.

Truthfully, neither I, nor anyone else is responsible for your happiness. You’re not responsible for mine or ours either but we do participate in our joint experiences. We supply everyone in our lives with successive and sequential opportunities to consider whether we are really living our lives in ways that genuinely consider their presence in it.

We live in this age with so much talk of Self, YOU, Divinity, Authenticity, Transparency, Translucence, Source. It is perhaps more prominent than it’s ever been. It’s attractive, alluring and some of it is seducing us to avoid community while we think we are building safe ones. Waking to Self might be the most important thing any of us will ever do yet the movement toward "Self" should be synonymous with the movement toward "Source". That One who truly finds Self is progressively less interested in withholding and progressively more interested in extending. This is one way the Source-Self is distinguished from the false-self. It's not in the words or the platitudes we offer; It’s in the Love we are and choose to be.

Your capacity to love is limitless and when you are challenged to not believe this, Love Anyway.

Loving Anyway is the act of Genius. It is the evidence of Authenticity and Mindfulness. It is the function of Brilliance. It is Who You Truly Are & if you ever want to know if you have truly discovered YOU...Love Anyway…

Marquis

(This is an excerpt from my upcoming book on Love and Relationships. Stay tuned as I follow up with the question:

So how do we know when it’s time to step away or abandon a relationship? When is love not enough? When is it clear that there is no possible shred of hope to procure better ways of relating and being with partners, friends and lovers?)

Still

I loved her and I saw her again

Still I love her

She didn’t look my way

Still I love her

She’s free… from Me…

Still I love her